This is it, the first installment of The Great Video-Game/Movie Project. A chronological look back through the storied past and exciting present, but not the future of cinematic adaptations of video-games. We’ll start in 1992 with Super Mario Bros.
Exciting, right? all the fun and color and whatnot of the beloved game. Sorry, instead we got this:
Not as exciting? Let’s dive down a green pipe that makes that sound and go to the place where Super Mario Bros. is famous for: Brooklyn.
Whoa now, hipsters, we have to take a detour first through a really bad even for 1992 animation of some dinosaurs.
Now the movie has a theory, so let’s just hear it out. The film postulates that hey, what if that meteor that killed all the dinosaurs actually opened up a portal to an alternate dimension where i guess the dinosaurs evolved to look exactly like us, and have no resemblance to dinosaurs in the slightest…and they are real jerks too.
Now that you’ve managed to wrap your head around that let’s go back in time 20 years to an orphanage, because why not? And what do people leave at orphanages? If you guessed an egg, well then you’ve obviously seen this.
And don’t go asking where the Mario Bros. are. We’ll get to them when it’s time.
Oh, there they are, along with a dispute about digging for dinosaur bones.
And since we’re already making no sense, here are some meth addicts who were hired by Koopa.
Hoskins and Leguizamo are just terrible, they have no chemistry unless the filmmakers were looking for the Marios to have the “oil and water” chemistry that usually works just fine.
Still at the dig site, Daisy and Luigi were having quite the awkward conversation, notes just can’t do it justice. Oh, and Daisy was the abandoned baby who was hatched in the orphanage and now carries a new age stone that everyone seems to want.
At this point, still nothing interesting has happened. We’ll keep waiting.
And no, the plumbing emergency the Marios are involved in doesn’t count. Nice try though.
Neither does Daisy’s kidnapping by the two meth heads.
During what must be the slowest on foot chase scene, seeing as the kidnappers had a head start and are barely ahead of the Marios, they all fall through a portal to…somewhere dirty and dark. This must mean they’ve fallen from Brooklyn to Detroit. Or the Mushroom Kingdom, like there’s a difference.
The new age crystal which Luigi got when he was trying to rescue Daisy from that kidnapping. I’m scared I remembered that, as it wasn’t in my notes. Anyway, an old dinosaur, based on the theory in the beginning, robs the crystal (see, I told you they were jerks.) A large black woman, let’s call her Big Bertha, seeing as that’s her name, steals the crystal from the old codger.
Also, there had at this point in the film, several kidnappings by Koopa’s meth heads in attempts to find Daisy.
Good, now we’re all caught up.
Koopa is now recapping the opening narration and is on some anti-mammal crusade,
This sounds good, wherever we are has a Devo Chamber. I hope you like Whip It, because that’s all i know them for, odd, but they should liven this up.
The Devo chamber de-evolves creatures, it’s how the Goombas are made incase you were wondering.
Looks like the Marios shoved Koopa in the chamber!
Thankfully they deftly avoided any action that might have sprung up just there. Good job movie!
If you remember one thing from Super Mario Bros. games from before 1993, it’s that they were full to bursting with…..Car chases!!!
To keep us guessing as to what’s going on and why, Koopa bathes on cement.
The Mario Bros are likely the most annoying people in this movie, which is sad seeing as how they’re the stars and all.
The scope of this dimension we’re in, is according to Koopa;” a few miserable streets and an endless desert”
Oh, just incase you thought Mario & Luigi were wearing their iconic outfits….you’d be wrong. If you guessed they’d be wearing ill-fitting suits that looked like extras from Dick Tracy would wear, well then sadly you’d be right.
Big Bertha punched Mario, so that’s good.
The copy I had thankfully had a scratch and I missed 4 minutes, some of which involved the brothers finally getting the right clothes.
So many sentence fragments.
Koopa’s pizza, will it arrive in time?
Of course it will..
Now here’s my biggest problem with this movie. There were Elect Koopa all over the Mushroom Kingdom. They had clearly mentioned the king, even though he’s a fungus(he got devolved) he’s still in charge. Or maybe they have a constitutional monarchy. Either way, it’s also implied that Koopa’s already in power. They need new signs.
Koopa eventually gets to Brooklyn, but since he’s not a hipster, he’s upset. No, I don’t know how he knew what Brooklyn is, so leave me alone. He begins his mad plan to devolve earthlings with portable devo guns. He doesn’t know what humans evolved from, as he constantly has to be reminded of it, but he knows and dislikes Brooklyn.
Back in the Mushroom Kingdom, Koopa’s defeated by his devo gun. Expected, I know. Anyway, after it all wraps up, we finally get the name Super Mario Bros. Just when you think everything’s going to be ok, Daisy, dressed like Rambo bursts in and the door is opened for a sequel, one I am still waiting for.
And there you have it. The first video-game adaptation, which had the chance to set the standard for all the ones to come, to set the bar high..It failed, but I have been hearing good things about this “Double Dragon”
We’ll find out next week whether or not it holds up.
Until next time.